On Christianity

Although engaging the 320 mile journey to hang out with LLK and other friendtypes is not the ideal, I try my best to make due. (And ideally get to a point where I can call (408) and it's local.) Part of how I make due? Crazy. Christian. Talk. Radio.

Allow me to make my usual initial caveat: I like some Christians, and truthfully, there's some merit to a lot of Christ's teaching. Loving each other, giving back, etc. And some of you may be aware, during my "rebellious" years, I was a born-again myself. What can I say, it was southern orange county, and mega churches can be mega convincing...

Still, decent values aside, listening to the radio several things have becoming apparent.

1. There are a sizable faction of Christians that believe the rapture is going to occur on May 21, 2011. Seriously. There was a guy going on for HOURS on a call in show on one of the radio programs. It wasn't his message so much that shocked me. (I've met enough people with crazy conspiracy theories to not be too phased.) No, it was the volume of calls genuinely interested in how to approach the for-sure rapture. People were asking if they should get supplies, what will happen, etc.

Folks, let's get one thing clear: if Snookie has written a book and the skies haven't opened up and swallowed all of civilization, I doubt May 21 is a better time. Of course, I may be wrong, but I don't think we should all be maxing out our credit cards on May 20.

2. The whole traditional family values garbage that Christians espouse is also starting to get on my nerves. I was listening to another program where a seemingly and otherwise charismatic pastor was talking about how wives should act. At one point, he said that notwithstanding sins, wives should pretty much do whatever their husbands said. Don't worry, he strongly admonished the men to not use that to beat their wives. So that's cool, I guess.

Also- reaaaaalllly getting sick of the whole beating up on gay people thing. If it's not your (tea)bag, then fine. But you really care if a couple of homogays raise some kids? Let me tell you something. (And I've gone on this rant before.) I've been to the Castro enough (free drinks, woof.) to realize a couple of things. First, regardless of the store on the Castro, they all have gay porn displayed in their windows. Second, the dogs on the Castro are the most well-taken after dogs in the universe. Every single one. They all have beautiful coats, usually have some kind of expensive outfit on, and in some cases, I have seen a doggie yoga mat strapped to their backs. I guarantee you they eat better than I do, and probably are better educated too. So who the fuck are you to say that people that treat their dogs like kings and queens (helllloooooooo) and who WANT to have kids shouldn't? Why is it perfectly legal for two fuck-ups to have a child who will likely become a client. I know this is anecdotal, but I have had zero, ZERO, criminal defendants who were raised by same-sex couples. ZERO! Let the gays have kids for Christ's sake.

3. The whole bat-shit science thing is getting old too. Listen people, we get it, God is good, and God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt. Ok. Cool. But when empirical evidence begins to at least challenge the words in your crazy ass book, don't discount science as the tools of devil. Science, at least to what my limited knowledge permits, is the pursuit of truth. It's not in direct conflict with religion, but sometimes I get pissed when Christians discount everything science says because it's not backed by God. And then when you confront them with some empirical fact, like say, that FUCKING DINOSAURS WALKED AROUND MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO AND NOT DURING THE TIME OF MAN, they hide behind the faith argument. It goes like this:

Rational human being: So, yeah, fossils.

Krazy Khristian: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! THOSE WERE PLANTED BY THE DEVIL 30 YEARS AGO WITH THE HELP FROM BURT REYNOLDS IN A CHEVY CAMERO. JESUS RODE DINOSAURS AND WAS THE ORIGINAL EXECUTIVE PRODUCER FOR FREAKS AND GEEKS.

RHB: Um...

KK: How dare you challenge me! It's called faith, and even if something isn't true, if I believe it, then it is.

RHB: Santa Claus?

KK: Are you making fun of me?! Santa is made up to make money. Jesus died for you sins and this is how you thank him?! By thinking rationally and not relying on BLIND FAITH?!

RHB: So let me get this straight- When confronted by an inconsistency or flaw in your theology, your asked to simply believe that it's true because that's what God wants?

KK: YES!

The bottomline is that the Bible has a LOT of crazy shit in it. I'm not saying that all of it should be discounted, or written off, but if it's not perfectly and easily interpreted by one explanation, shouldn't that say something? We have so many different theologians, all Christian, who parse out different meanings for different verses. I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in it's empirical worth.

4. Finally, getting sick of the petty judgment of nonbelievers. Christians, stop praying for me already. If you feel like you're saved, cool. But don't worry about me or other people UNLESS WE SHOW A GENUINE INTEREST. It's annoying. And don't act like you're better b/c you're "saved." I know plenty of non-christians who do nice things every day. Hell, I even know atheists who are nice. And they do it just to be nice! Get over yourself- you're not an amazing person for getting dunked in a pool. Any 2nd grader can tell you that.

Again, and finally, Christians, you're mostly cool. Jesus was a cool dude who probably was pretty rad to hang out with and ride Jesus Ponies with. But just chill out!