This Week's "I Hate You and Here's Why"

This week's recipient of a large dose of Hatorade goes to.....

THE ENTIRE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA.

I realize that my social security number begins with a "1." (Have it, would-be identity thieves, you are more than welcome to my student loan debt!)

I realize that I have fambily (sorry LLK, I can't resist a good RHWoNJ reference when it's there for the taking) that resides in the state. I realize that they put up w/ my west coast shennagians, including getting queen sized mattresses flung at them.

I realize that despite my sports hipsterdom (Go San Jose Sabercats, my new "pro" football team!), I still love the Philadelphia Eagles.

Hell, how can you hate a state that gives you Peeps, Mike and Ikes, TastyKakes, Cheesesteaks, Scrapple, Shoe-Fly Pie, Heinz Ketchup (the preferred ketchup of professional QB's who are also rapers), Snyders Pretzels, Utz, Crayola, LLK, Yuengling, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

Here's how.

So, if you feel that the above link is "tl" and you "dr," allow me to quickly sum it up: 11 year old kid is alleged to have popped his pop's new boo, and the court is not allowing him to be tried as a kid because he refuses to be sorry.

And here's the lovely part: HE REFUSES TO BE SORRY BECAUSE HE ASSERTS HE DIDN'T DO IT.

And here's a lovely little gems that is presently accompanying my Hatorade- the proverbial umbrella in the drink, if you will:

Pa tries more kids as adults than ANY OTHER STATE COMBINED.

Also, US as a total doesn't get too much of a vote of confidence either. According to the article, "The US is the only country where juveniles are serving life imprisonment without parole under the so-called 'life means life' policy. Only the US and Somalia have refused to ratify the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which rules out life sentences with no chance of release for crimes committed before the age of 18."

Well, the pirate lifestyle is certainly a hip market right now, so why the hell join up on Somalia on other issues too, like FUCKING PUTTING CHILDREN AWAY FOR EVER.

And before you get all, "Well these are monsters and need to be taken away," allow me to simply remind you to shut the fuck up, and ask if you've ever spent life behind bars for a decision you may have made while YOUR BRAIN HASN'T FULLY DEVELOPED YET.

If it seems like I'm a bit seething, it's because I am. And I believe I'm justified- the juevenile delinquency deputy here, who is lovely and cusses like a sailor, got teary about this case and STOPPED CUSSING FOR A FEW MOMENTS. If you knew her propensity for the profane, your jaw would be dropped presently.

So, Pa, here's how you make it up to me:
Stop fucking around with juveniles like yesterday.
Wider distribution of Yuengling.
Some butterscotch Krimpets, plz.
Win a fucking super bowl with a dog killer INSTEAD of a raper, please.
Get rid of Cole Hamels- I don't like his face.
Instead of having the 76ers play home games, just show the video clip of Allen Iverson crossing over Jordan and making him look silly on loop. I would pay 30 dollars to watch that played over and over again.
Bring back Veterans stadium (I realize that this are mostly sports and food requests.)
Bring back the slogan "you've got a friend in pa." That shit was folksy as fuck, and I have several friends in Pa. So do other people. So, yeah.
Um... re do Rocky IV. Yes, IV.

New Year's Resolution #3568

Be more creative with my litigation.

I'm not saying I'm going to file a similar motion, but sometimes I feel like this would work out a lot of things w/ opposing counsel....

Motion for a Fist Fight

Postscript: Sorry for the hiatus, gang- 2011, which has been indicated to be "straight cash homie," will prove to be packed to the brim with entries. Ideas include:
Wednesday Weigh-Ins
I hate you and here's why
Watch this video b/c I'm lazy
Descriptions of fun events participated in with my favorite reader

STRAIGHT. CASH. HOMIE.