On Fight Songs

So my favorite reader has suggested I switch allegiance to my favorite football team, the Philadelphia Eagles.

And she's not far off base. Admittedly, I have flip-flopped in the past, and as recently as a few years ago. I was a "diehard" Phillies phan, but my time spent in the bay area, my adoption of the word "hella" (which I hella hated as a Hawaiian t-shirt wearing college freshman), and our love of the local San Jose Giants (which produced current SF Giants greats like Panda and Posey), morphed me in to a SF Giants fan. The ultimate test of loyalty came this season, when the Phils and the Giants squared off. I was forced to choose, and much to the chagrin of many, I went with the Orange and Black.

Also, and realize that this is a very big confession for me, I spent a lot of my childhood following the... Washington Redskins! The reason was simple- my big brother was a fan, and I wanted to do everything he did, including following a team that I now despise. I came to my senses as a young adolescent, before the Andy Reid/McNabb era, and have not looked back since, despite countless disappointments.

It has been suggested that I look for a new NFL team, and that I base part of my decision in part on that team's fight song.

My current team's fight song is as follows:

"Fly Eagles Fly, On The Road To Victory.
Fight Eagles Fight, Score A Touchdown 1-2-3.

Hit ‘Em Low.
Hit ‘Em High.
And We’ll Watch Our Eagles Fly.

Fly Eagles Fly, On The Road To Victory.

E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!"

Admittedly, this fight song is stupid. But in defense of the song, most Eagles fans can't really count past three, and are lucky if they get past the entire spelling of the "Eagles." Still, it does sadly get me riled up for my beloved Eagles.

Here are the other noted fight songs amidst the NFL:

http://www.footballbabble.com/football/nfl/fight-songs/

So, with this in mind, and as long as it's suitable with my reader(s), I submit that if I were ever to change allegiances again, I think it would be for the Buffalo Bills. Here's my case for the Bills:

1. They are the most loveable losers of the NFL. There was a period where they went to FOUR SUPER BOWLS IN A ROW AND LOST. That is so awesomely pathetic that I cannot hate.

2. They have diehard fans. They play in upstate New York, the state with the stupid Jets and Giants that dominate ESPN coverage and still manage to garner crowds in ungodly weather. That's dedication, and it's dedication that I respect. If they ever do get to the promised land, their fans will be vindicated. Also, their fans aren't douchey about their misfortunes like Cubs fans or back-in-the-day Red Sox fans. I also enjoy that.

3. They have a Harvard educated Quarterback. Something about that makes me laugh.

4. Wings. As in, wings from Buffalo.

What team should I switch over to if I were to flip flop yet again? Submit your thoughts, and provided that the Eagles win the super bowl and continue to do well, I just may oblige!*

*I'm also a secret hipster about sports, sadly. I only like "underground" teams. Sigh... I know I'm lame.

EAGLES!

The Seven Archetypes of Annoyance at the Gym

So, in an effort to combat the eating binge that has been the month of November, I have decided to commit to gym outings as much as possible. That way, when I see LLK for Xmas, she will not be forced to see a curly haired Louis Anderson awaiting her.

Not that it will have too dramatic of an impact, nor am I trying to pat myself on the back, but I bring it up because it highlights the all-too familiar archetypes of gym douchery. In no particular order, I present:

THE SEVEN DOUCHES AT THE GYM

1. Jonny Bro Douche
Oh, Jonny Bro Douche, your muscles glean, your hair is perfectly gelled, and your child's medium shirt highlights at least nine reasons for my hatred of you.

Yes, it's impressive that you have a good body and we all see it. Still, can you spare us the show? The purpose of a gym, generally speaking, is- or at least should be- to get in shape and/or stay healthy. And I'm proud that you've put your kinesiology degree (with communication minor) to work. I really am.

What is irksome is Jonny Bro Douche's proclivity to not only spend 4.5 hours working out, but his ability to occupy no fewer than 7 machines at any given time. Yes, I realize that if you don't blast your delts as well as your quads you may loose mass, but let's take it down a peg or seven, please.

2a. Young Slut
Oh, young slut, I really hate you. Like, really hate you. You dawn about 3 pounds of makeup, put on the pinkest thing you can find (typically emblazoned with some trio of Greek letters), and proceed, like Jonny Bro Douche, occupy 3 cardio machines at any given time.

The particularly blood-boiling thing about Young Slut's activities is, however, is that she doesn't actually work on any machine. That would cause sweat, which would in turn mess up her precious appearance. So, in a twisted formula focusing on time spent, Young Slut proceeds to spend 2 hours on a treadmill slowly walking and talking on the phone.

If ever there was a justifiable homicide...

2b. See Young Slut, and add about thirty years, remove pink and add "animal print."

3. Exercise Bullimic
Now, I'm treading thin ice with this one, considering it is a recognized eating disorder.

Still, along the same lines as the others listed that simply take up too much time and space, Exercise Bullimic is simply just dominating the equipment too much. Stop it. You need 30, maybe 45 minutes of solid cardio to feel good about yourself. Not 4 hours. Just stop it.

4. Fatty Do-Nothing
Now, before you grab the sharpest and bluntest object you can find to hurl at me, allow me to defend my seemingly hypocritical description. Yes, I am a large man with plenty of pounds to loose. You might even call me a "man of leisure." Still, when I go to the gym, I have no issues as to why I'm there. I'm there to work, burn calories, and do so efficiently.

Fatty Do-Nothing operates under a different philosophy. In a twisted psychosis, Fatty Do-Nothing believes that simply by showing up, you burn at least 900 calories. They then proceed to take the seated bicycle, set it at level 1, and slowly burn 4 calories per hour.

Again, not to sound hypocritical, but I guess it just really bothers me when people show up to the gym and then proceed to not show up.

5. Armchair Trainer
Again, in the full interest of disclosure, although I try to work out as much as possible, I'm no Adonis, and I'm certainly not doing everything at the max level. Still, I'm no slouch, and I typically have a clue as to what I'm doing. In fact, I don't embark on activities at the gym unless I'm either working with a professional or I feel confident that I'm doing it correctly.

That does not stop Armchair Trainer from butting in, forcing me to take out my earbud, and giving me some pearl of wisdom about how I can get the most from my workout. Again, with the understanding that I won't be in any P90x videos soon, this irritates me. As gregarious as I am, when I go to the gym, I come to workout- by myself. (Unless I'm working out with a friend, which of course I will enjoy the other's company.)

Perhaps most irritating about Armchair Trainer is that they seldom look remotely healthy. So, if you're out there, if you're thinking about giving sage advice to someone who looks like they're enjoying their personal workout, think to yourself: "Am I a professional trainer? If so, am I this gentleman's professional trainer?" If the answer to either question is no, kindly shut the fuck up.

6. Frankie Longnuts
Rounding out my list, and appropriately placed as it is generally the last vision I am bestowed with, is Frankie Longnuts.

Frankie fought in the war (be it 'Nam, Korea, or either of the two fronts), and in a Freudian display of recapitulation, simply loves to be naked. All the time. Taking a shower, taking a schvitz, weighing himself, talking to other Frankies, it's just naked time all the time.

And while I really don't care about nudity in a locker room as a means to an end (getting dressed), the sheer loungieness of Frankie Longnuts, coupled with, well, his long nuts, is a bit much.

So there you have it- my current gym pet peeves. Enjoy your workout everyone!

This Week's Ripped from the Headlines

So, in further effort to keep both myself and my dutiful readers informed, I am doing my best to keep abreast of the WikiLeaks nonsense and scandal.

Here's the latest wrinkle in Julian Assange's controversial life.

Now, and most likely because I hear about it nonstop on my drive to and from work, my well thought-out opinion with regards to the leaks of various cables:

Well, transparency is important in a well-run democracy. It's nice to know how and why our government does the things they do, and perhaps more importantly, to know that they had the authority, be it constitutional or otherwise, to do it.

But with foreign policy, especially delicate matters involving things like nuclear proliferation, or Baltic states, I could really care less about how and why our foreign policy gets implemented, as long as we aren't:
1. Bombing the shit out of people without them doing it first.
2. Committing atrocities with regards to Human Rights.
3. Committing some other violations of treaties.

Other than 1-3, if you're a diplomat, and you want to say that Demetry Medvev looks like an ass, go nuts.

And yes, I'm sure there's a lot of sordid little secrets that have been exposed by the recent release. Unfortunately for you readers, I have neither the time or the energy to canvas them all to discern what is truly relevant.

And I guess in some ways, that's my point. In lines with the "no one likes a tattle" logic, I guess I feel like Julian Assange should be crucified or applauded, depending on how you feel about the releases.

I just don't care. Color it blind faith, but I feel like if my government is doing terribly fucked up things, they'll surface one way or another. More to that point, I even acknowledge that my government has done fucked up things and will continue to do fucked up things.

But here's the dirty little secret: I'm just wrote that above sentence, and I can promise you all, especially the reader from whom I'm resuming custody of our small animal, that secret police will not burst through my ceiling and I will not be "disappeared."

The fact that there are countries that continue to have governments that routinely disappear, kill, and murder peaceful dissidents should make anyone appreciative of our government, even if we may have some closed-door policies.

Again, I refuse to label Asange as a champion of individual liberty or as the evil villain that Fox News has labeled him as. Yes, there were some black eyes released, a lot of which are attributed to administrations past (read: Bush); but at the end of the day, this is a process that is not unlike making sausage: you're going to get some snouts and assholes thrown in the grinder.

In sum, I will always be interested to know and hold my government accountable for human rights violations, or for mass exercise of unwarranted power. In my half-retarded analysis, I don't think there's much to prosecute our government here for.

As for Assange, on the other hand, looks like he is looking down the barrel of some pretty serious sex offenses (read link posted above). And of course, being the true defender that I am, I will never, ever, cast anyone as guilty before held to answer through a fair and impartial process governed by due process....






But that fucker be a rapist!


(G'night everyone!)

MCLE

The California Bar requires all us attorneys to do continuing legal education yearly. Which is important, because, you know, laws have a tendency to change, get reinterpreted, etc. And if I want to stay marketable, so you know, I can be within at least 50 miles of LLK, I need to keep abreast of a lot of updated legal shennaniganz!

This is even more important for the Public Defender. We advise people, and sometimes we need to be on top of things to avoid seemingly outside consequences. This is never more relevant when representing those individuals with immigration issues.

Now, granted, here in Humboldt, there are seldom issues of immigration. It's a fairly homogeneous population (mostly white with a Native American population), but that can easily lull you in to assuming that everyone's a USC (US Citizen).

So it's even more important to be on top of it. Unfortunately, I missed my office's MCLE gathering a few months ago, so I was extremely pleased to see CPDA offer a very similar conference that I could listen to online!

If you are thinking about practicing criminal law, take a look at these materials- It's very important stuff!

http://defendingimmigrants.org/

And read Padilla v. Kentucky!

On Late Nights, SBux Via, Motiviation, and other random musings

Hey folks,

It's presently 5:42, and I have a stack of approximately 60 files staring at me on my desk that demand immediate attention. I would have addressed them at some point this morning, or yesterday morning, save for the fact that I was stuck in court enduring small talk and bickering over sentence length. I know I shouldn't bitch, and believe me, I still love what I do, but I just wish I could actually get some more time to work. Hence the late night.

And hence the Sbux via. Courtesy of the ever-thoughtful LLK, I am now the proud owner of a very professional leather laptop bag (is that how you accurately describe it other than awesome?) that conveniently holds a lot of files and was equipped with a lot of little goodies- including the Starbucks instant coffee, which despite a strong opposition from one DA who will remain nameless and a weiner, is actually very good.

And now, as I sort through my piles and allow the caffeine to elevate my mood a bit, I am getting a little more motivated. This happens. Things accumulate all to quickly in the life of a public defender, and it can get overwhelming. But with the appropriate playlist, a hot beverage from a loved one, and a little elbow grease, I think I may get out of this alive.

Now to interject a random thought:
Why can't we have Thanksgiving style food more often? Is it too heavy, or too difficult to prepare? Seriously, some answers here people. At least hook a brother up with a thanksgiving sandwich on the occasional July afternoon. (I know the Prolific Oven has a version, and other places do too, but I think it should be more wide-spread.)

Other random thought:
Clients having an email address is a double-edged sword. Especially when they have smart phones. (I know, there's a missing piece in that equation, but I'm too flabberghasted to follow that train of thought in to the station.)

Final random thought:
Turkey sandwiches should always be paired with a pig meat of some sort. Acceptable products: salami, bacon, prosciuto, suckling piglet.

Back to work!

This Week's 'Ripped from the Headlines...'

So, as I sit in my office working up a case that I'm none too thrilled about, I have decided to dedicate this post to celebrity criminal gossip...

And the obvious target, at least according to TMZ, is the Charlie Sheen debacle. And with good reason- there's coke, a hooker, and the basic shennanigans we have come to love from Emilio's bro. The only thing missing is that stupid kid from 2.5 men doing rails off of another hooker and stabbing a hobo. Then, and only then, I suppose I would dive in to the drama.

As it stands now, however, I'm going to let TMZ continue to cover that a few (nine hundred) times a day.

Of course, I could also lend a legal opinion in the ongoing Mel Gibson saga. But, sadly, I am far from a family law expert. As the saying goes, family lawyers represent good people acting on their worst behavior, and criminal lawyers represent bad people acting on their best. I am the latter, and I am not going to pretend like I know anything about that aspect of practice.

(I will continue to listen to any and all voice mails from Mad Max, nonetheless.)

And then there's everyone's favorite African American vampire slayer, Wes Snipes who is undergoing some tax problems. Yes it's criminal, but I'll be frank with you, readers: I know nothing about federal practice, let alone federal criminal tax cases. So in an effort to avoid looking like a moron, I will abstain.

I thought I had nothing, until, like a vision in my dreams, I came across this story:

Jim Morrison to be considered for a Gubernatorial Pardon

Now, let me be frank yet again- I am by no means a "The Doors" fan. Yes, I suppose they were a good band, and yes they were influential, but I just never got that in to them.

Still, post conviction relief is always interesting to me, and especially for a charge that if similarly situated in my state of practice would be a life sentence.

The misdemeanor to which I am referring is California Penal Code Section 314(1), or indecent exposure. Us attorneys with no class refer to it generally as "weenie waggling." Yes, yes we are mature.

In any event, in order to be guilty of this charming little offense, the District Attorney is required to prove that you:
1. Willfully exposed your junk in the presence of people who would be offended. I guess this would be the "stripper exception," and
2. When exposed, you acted "lewdly" by intending to direct public attention to your junk for the purpose of sexually gratifying yourself or sexually offending another.

Yes, this is a misdemeanor offense, but as I mentioned above it is a life sentence because if convicted here in California, you are required to become a sex registrant, for LIFE. Which is a serious commitment, because, you know, it's for life.

I would assume the Jim Morrison avoided this requirement as his act happened in Florida.

Still, people were clearly offended at the time, and I'm sure he copped the plea to the misdemeanor just to get it over with.

Now, however, in an extremely belated effort to seem "hip with the kids," Governor Crist seems to want to unburden the ghost of the rocker.

Don't get me wrong, I love it when post-conviction relief happens, just because it is so rare. Sadly, a lot of defendants can't stay out of trouble, and even if they do, sometimes expungement, or in the rare case a pardon, is a steep uphill battle.

So I guess what I'm hoping is that even though this little tidbit is more or less a superfluous story, it impacts those intricately involved in the system to reevaluate the role of government in recognizing those who truly have been rehabilitated.

In the Midst of the Holidaze....

Well, folks, as the cold grips in (and yes I'm seriously about the cold), it's becoming more and more apparent that it is the Holiday season.

Let me first air my general malaise with this season, this week in particular. Sadly, it will mark the 5 year anniversary of losing my father, Mike Coughlin, aka "Daddy Doo-Doo." I don't revisit the events that lead up to his passing enough, and I suppose I should. Mostly because it's a healthy thing to do, and introspection is pivotal in growth, blah blah blah, but perhaps more importantly because I have a lot to be grateful for. I have my Boobah, my health (despite my desperate need to visit Healthsport), my friends, my families, a job (somehow) and as noted in my last post, good television. Hell, even the Eagles are doing well. Hell, even my apartment is clean. Things can be, and as of five years ago, were, much worse.

Still, it's an event that impacted me dramatically, and since it occurred when I still an immature moron, I probably could stand to grow up a bit. With that in mind, if I seem at all like an asshole in the next week or so to any of my faithful 4-7 readers, I apologize. As I tried to stress above, I do have a lot going on for me, and I am certainly avoiding the ever cheerful pity party. I also don't mean this week to be a carte blanche for me being a dick. I will do my best to channel any and all rage to those who deserve it (like Nazis).

And with my background out of the way, let me divulge some of the initial highlights and things I'm looking forward to of this holiday season.

Diwali 2010
I celebrated Diwali this year w/ LLK and her family in Sunnyvale. I know it seems weird that a Diwali party would occur in this clearly homogeneous community, but it managed to get off the ground. And it was awesome. Now, I could stumble through and try to explain what Diwali is, but as noted above, I'm still a moron, and will simply direct any and all seeking more information to the mecca of quick knowledge fixes.

And keeping the moron theme active, and specifically the moron of the "large" variety, it should not surprise anyone that one of my favorite things about celebrating this holiday was the food. Oh, the food. Oh, the delicious awesome non-bland food that can only be described with made up adjectives like "tastetastic!" And, as noted in a previous post, it was all vegetarian, so I was able to maintain my commitment to part-time vegetarianism.

And of course, the other thing that really cemented the celebration of this holiday: fireworks. To me, any holiday that combines good people, good food, and blowing shit up is something that should be cherished.

I genuinely hope that I get to share in celebrating this holiday with amazing people for many years to come.

(Sadly, I tried to find the Youtube clips from the episode of "The Office" about Diwali, but NBC put the stop on that mess. I would strongly encourage all to watch the season 3 episode highlighting the holiday. Michael Scott of course makes thing ridiculously awkward and hilarity ensues.)

Veteran's Day 2010
Not that I'm anti-The Troops, but this is not a holiday I generally get juiced for. Except when I finagle a four day weekend out of it. This Veteran's Day was very awesome and some highlights included: visits from my brother, an interesting trip to Fairfield, beer fests that involved randomly running in to people, visits from awesome people from San Diego, and a lovely brunch where I drank too much coffee.

Here's what I'm looking forward to this holiday season:

Thanksgiving 2010
It will be w/ great people, I'm sure the food will be awesome, and hopefully snow will not impede my ability to get down!

Friendsgiving 2010
This year, and quite ingeniously, LLK has suggested the annual Friendsgiving occur on Black Friday (a day in which little is done save 4 am shopping sprees), and where everyone brings leftovers. Which is brilliant b/c leftovers are usually awesome for Thanksgiving.

Xmas 2010
Sadly, my favorite person will not be in the USA for Xmas this year, but I'm hoping to get down to the OC (yeah I called it that) and see some family/friends and truly enjoy where the true commercial nature of the holiday gets highlighted the most. With no snow to get in the way, people can focus on the true materialism of Jesus' birth. I jest, but OC is an interesting place to spend Christmas. With its Megachurches and rampant mall culture, there's a paradoxical mix of Christmas spirit that no iconic Bing Crosby special can hold a candle to.

NYE
I am definitely looking forward to ringing in the new year (and new decade) with someone special, and hopefully getting better suited to find employ that will bring me closer to Yay Area. (Spoiler Alert: It's on of my New Year's resolutions.)